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Saturday, January 29th, 2011
1:26 am
why must I hickup everytime i light up a smoke today?? i fucking hate that.
Im looking back at some of my older entries and its so weird reading them again I remember exactly when and where and I think I dont regret anything. my lifes experiences make me who i am am today and im great full to have learn so much. Im so happy that Im still madly in love with my boyfriend jason we still live together in the same apartment going on 4 years now. we want to go travelling but we both feel that theres no point to it any more. we have everything we want and dont need to drink ourselves into annihilation anymore.  we can go travelling in a different way now. last september we went to vancouver for a week. we took a via rail train that we got for really cheap while on the train I thought to myself "now its us riding on the "hobo killers" we are now the ones who are paying to ride the rails. I enjoyed it. this summer we are going to Toronto, for real this time cuz we can finally afford it. I have one month left on the methadone program and thats it I'll be off free and clean. i cant wait to have total control over it.

current mood: calm

(Kill Me)

Sunday, June 27th, 2010
11:24 pm - June 2010
So jasona nd I hav ebebn on the methadone program for a hwile now. its been real hard trying not to use. and honestly the only reason why we have been clean for the past 2weeks is cuz our "guy" is sick in the hospital.  
I fucking been smoking alot of weed lately soo haha. I just love smoking pot.
Ive Started at the MMF to get my grade 12 finished I just have to make myself go in everyday,,, or  at lease 3 times a week.
Its been real hard trying to keep it together. I really want to go travelling again but i dont want to use my apartment. no way ive been "settled" for almost 3 years now. I cant disapoint everyone and fall back into my old life.
I'm thinking maybe what we'll do is save up sum cash and go to vancouver for a week or whatever. we'll see.

current mood: sleepy

(Kill Me)

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
7:19 am
so as of right now im not currently working persay, jason and I are doing fine though im taking a bartenders course probably starting at the end of the month. then I'll be licence as a bartender and get a job doing that. night shifts. planning on doing our long awaited chemical detox. we spend alot of money and our tolerance is up again. probably about 500mgs a day close too. any ways update later.

(Kill Me)

Monday, November 9th, 2009
1:40 am
wow crazy year, im done school jason and i are still madly in love and yeah i dont have much time to update but i will later

(Kill Me)

Saturday, September 12th, 2009
6:47 am
So jason and i have been on the methadone for 2 weeks now and its great, my n/a meetings feel more meaningfull to me. i have about a month and a haft of school left and after our art show ill post the pics and let u guys know how sucessfull it turned out. im hoping to make about $1000 from it! :)

(6 Suicides | Kill Me)

Monday, August 3rd, 2009
10:45 pm

wow okay so heres the deal, jason and i have discided to go on the methadone.
i know that this is for real thsi time. we had been talking about it for a while ever since we came to the realization that we are seriously addicted to morphine.
i want so badly to kick it but we need the methadone to wean ourselfs off cuz we cant do it ourselves. at lease with the methadone it'll be clinicly managed safely instead of "managing"  it ourselves and putting our health on the line. i hate the constint struggle of trying to have dope so we dont get sick, looking, scoring, not saving, running around. i cant be a full time drug addict and have a full time life. i need to stop. and im glad to say we found a doctor willing to help, we just haft to go in and meet him and get assess. i feel like i have hope that i can manage my life in a sane and normal way. i want to get clean and move on to my life as an artist. im in a great program but my addiction is jeopardizing my position there.
i could get kicked out. for always being late, not showing up cuz im dopesick and im desperetly on the search to find opitates just so i can go to school. not working or paying attention cuz im on the nod. my mood swings and everything else that gets in the way of my success. 
I have recived alot of support as well as some new oportunities.

theres this guy whos a highly sucessful graffitti/tattoo artist who i look up to alot (he doesnt know it but he makes me so nervous that i act like an idoit in front of him cuz hes so talented and has this major rep)  who's willing to sort of show me the insides of the tattoo world and is giving me his own flash to practice with and do copy work. this is just the start. i need to prove to him im serious. hes telling me how its super competitive and that actual tattoo artist actually try and discurage ppl from wanting to learn as a way of weeding people out. i feel like my own mentor keeps trying to lead me away from trying to persuse my goal, she keeps saying how i might do better in designing, and that red river collage has these design courses, since my design ideas keep getting choosen by clients for murals. shes trying to show me other career options specaily since she heard that stuff about how cut throat the tattoo world is. I aprecate it but when she says things kinda like "you should look into Design cuz so-and-so says that getting into the tattoo world is really hard to get accepted by".I feel like my own mentor doesnt think i can do it.
but FUCK that and FUCK anyone who doubts me. Im going to do it. i know i can, cuz when i set my heart on something i fucking get it done. ive always been like that.
when i wanted to get up and start my life over, i did it. i went to many different cities, alone and on the streets alot of the time but i always manage to survive.
when i wanted to learn how to hop fucking trains i fucking got up and fucking scouted out a yard. i did it. i travelled, spring, summer, fall and fucking dead winter.
When i first met jason, we were two different people. our eyes met and i knew i was going to marry him. and at that time i was deffinitly not his type but i made it happen. i broke through his barriers and saw the real him and vice versa. we became best friends and now we're lovers, very much in love and engaged to be married next summer. if it wasnt for the fact that we both discided to have an actual wedding party for our friends and family we would have married last year, at the law courts for just one hundred dollars. 
and now my heart is set on getting clean and continuing my plans that i have carefully laid out. nothings going to stop me.  

current mood: determined

(1 Suicide | Kill Me)

Thursday, April 30th, 2009
7:38 pm - End of April
Wow i almost forgot i had a livejournal
well i got a new computer and internet access now so ill try and post more often. damn facebook.

so yeah things are great. Jason moved in and he has begun his new job which so happens to be a 5 min walk away & its great.
we plan on getting married next summer, but dont actually plan on planning till next januaray i guess.

still at the graffitti gallery, i was very close to getting kicked out due to some adendance issues but its fine now. i have also made an agreement with my boss to go to regular NA meetings... mon-fri, noon till one, for the next 90 days.. 
it seems like a  pain in the ass but i actually like going. even though im not really tottally 100% clean. but i guess you dont haft to be to join.
im planning on quitting the morph but at the same time i feel like well... what am i gonna do??
going to NA for the next 3 months im sure will help.
i cant believe my job is paying me to go to NA meetings.
fuck i should punch myself.
im so lucky to be doing this art thing i wish i could feel more like i deserve it....

anyways i got a cat his name is sushi, we discided to name it after a type of food since barf has a cat named perogi and dave has one named stir-fry. lol

anyways im not sure if anna and i are still gonna do this trainhopping photography thing this summer like we planned.
we are deffinitly fighting.
she kinda dimed me out for something that almost got me kicked out and she got drunk and was hitting on my boyfriend one night when i was away, i know she knew because when i confronted her she didnt even say anything to me. not even anything remotly reasurring.
i yelled at her at school.
called her a meth junkie and slut. i guess i regret calling her a meth junkie in front of everyone, but i was so pissed it was the only thing keeping me from flying accross the table and ripping the face off with my teeth.
anyways  a lil drama never killed anyone. :P

(1 Suicide | Kill Me)

Monday, January 19th, 2009
11:42 am

im doing great, still madly in love with jason. hes moving in in apirl/may
im working at  the gafitti art gallery and things are well.

(4 Suicides | Kill Me)

Monday, November 17th, 2008
11:45 am - That-Guy
you fit into me
like a hook in an eye
a fish hook
an open eye
--Margaret Atwood

I still get a rush when i look at Jason.
when he looks at me back i cant help but think how incredible it is that we're together.
We're So in Love.  
He gave me my Christmas Present Early, my engagement ring. 
i wanna melt into him. hes so soft core lol
i remember the day i met him. 
my roomate and i were looking for bitch so we took a walk to squeegee corner
There. he was,  caught my attention the moment i stepped into the bus shack.
Even though there was 10 other people around he was the first person i saw. 
Something about him drew me closer. 
He was my Dirty Crusty punk rock dream. (this is where he combes his mohawk back with his fingers in really slow motion)(hehe)    
Adorned in leather patches & heavy boots.
Squeegee in one hand and a beer in the other
i think creamed my pants.
he told me his name was Tyler Bring (lol)
i later find out thats not his real name,  coming from a story where a cop was talking to his partner saying something like "Tyler, Bring me the...."
but after that i guess i sorta just befriended him, not knowing that years later our friendship would turn into love. <3

Well, thats it. thats my story kidz and im sticking to it. :)

current mood: dorky

(1 Suicide | Kill Me)

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
9:59 am
im moving at the end of the month into my brothers building. getting a one bedroom :) far better than the shitty rooming house im living in now. best part is my uncle gave me a whole bunch of furniture so im all stoked up on home equiptment.
Ive been trying to stay away from morphine but i seem to be kinda stuck in this situation where im using it for actual pain as well as getting high, but
it seems my sources recinitly expanded. too easy.
i know i shouldnt be pokin anymore seeing as thats how i ended up in the hospital not that long ago. :sigh: ill get better, gotta try harder.

I cant wait to see Jason tommrrow, i wish he worked in the city then i could be with him more. not alot really happening in my life though im pretty bored but a new phase is about to hit me. :)

(5 Suicides | Kill Me)

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
2:22 pm
my sister commided sucide 3 dayz ago. I cant believe she did it and the awful way it came abouts. Mellissa dawn i love you, you must of been hurting so much.

(1 Suicide | Kill Me)

Thursday, August 28th, 2008
2:01 pm
Wow its been a while, things are going very well for me
still madly in love with Jason and there are plans of getting married.
crazy stuff.

(1 Suicide | Kill Me)

Friday, May 23rd, 2008
12:21 pm - anywhere is where she's from
So it looks like im gonna stick around for a lil longer.
I really wanna go travelling again, but now that thatguy and I are together
I dont want to be to far from him. this weekend im going out with him to his parent's house, this is a big deal and im stoked about it.

tonight were gonna get shit faced on porchclimbers (wiskey+beer+consitrated pink lemonaid juice) and do some urban exploring.

Im so into him. I can hardly believe we are actually together now. since we've gotten together its like all of a sudden all these guys start telling me how much they want me and how beautiful i am and blah blah blah.
and im surprised they haft of them even felt that way.
a couple days ago this traveller dude and i went for a walk to go buy ciggerettes we stop to smoke and being really drunk he starts telling me his life's story, im listening to him & conversing. then he tells me how he really likes me and thinks im beautiful, complimenting me up the ass.
now im flattered and i tell him that i have a boyfriend that im really serious about and he keeps asking me to kiss him, which i wouldnt so insteed he keeps trying to kiss the side of my face. we go back to some dude's house who lets crash on his floor and i wake up to the owner of the house rubbing my fucking back. i freak out and imeditly bounce.
this isnt the first time someone in the past fucking few weeks is doing something creepy while im trying to sleep.
I dont understand how some guys thinks its okay to keep trying to touch you even after you deny their comeon's.

i have a really good morphine wash just waiting for me but i think im gonna
slow down on this junkie shit. my veins are naturaly hard to hit to begin with and my old trusty is too weak.
I think we can actually clean up together.

we discided not to do any drugs this weekend so that we dont need to explain ourselfs incase a needle happens to fall out of our bags or pockets or something. haha while i was getting my hair cut last weekend i realised i had a rig sticking out of my pocket, which i hope no one noticed. hahaha. a few more hours Ill be on my way to go meet him. i cant wait.

(4 Suicides | Kill Me)

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
8:13 am - SOMEONE give me advice..
Yup its that time again, im leaving for vancouver in a few days.
i always feel really satifided when im on a frieght.
should be back for june 18th cuz thats when my road dog needs to be back for court.

Im falling in love with one of my best friends that Ive known for almost 4 years now. up untill last week we had made a pack to never have sex. it sounds so kiddish and girly but I cant wait to do it again. lol. we have incredibly ruff make out sessions where we're both left just covered in bruises and it turns me on compleately. I know he feels the same so why arnt we offical yet?
im nervous. i dont know what to do. i think about him all the time, i sometimes cant even fall alseep without him. im even getting a little sad when hes not around.
does he want to be with me? cuz i want to be with him. he asked me to go see a movie with him the other week and this weekend we're going again. i dont know how to take this "relationship" if its even one at all...
we are way beyond friends with benifits & being just buddies.
I need some clarification damnit.

(Kill Me)

Thursday, April 17th, 2008
12:33 pm
I found a bag of coke the other night. whats with the shitty coke here? i mean i dont even like coke but maybe thats due to the fact its cut with meth.
blah. you know whats kinda weird? I can shoot a wack of coke and then just go to bed. I have no problem smashing uppers and sleeping.
last weekend was lots of fun,
I drank a bottle of methodone which really fucked me up for a long time. after a while my eyes go all blurry and then I started to puke. and puke and kept on puking for the rest of the night and was incredibly sick the next day, blah i am never doing that much methodone again. i think i'll stick to drinking...and morphine.
A bunch of Kids from Regina, Saskatchewan came to Winnipeg for the Dayglo Abortions show, we all got incredably drunk and most of us got our ass's beat by Dayglo's private bouncers. I dont know why I was in their faces cuz i really didnt care to see them (Dayglo)again.-plus I had money and I.D but he punched me and threw me onto the ground where i slid accross the cement and scrapped up my back. lol
we had alotta fun last weekend. drinking and bonfires and music and thatguy...
I'm freefalling.

current mood: giddy

(Kill Me)

Thursday, April 10th, 2008
1:49 pm - some ride...
It seems like crazy shit like this always happen to me..

The other night AWOL and I were hanging out in osborn drinking with a couple travellers and who ever else that came out to get drunk.
-That's what i love about stadbrook+osbourn everyone knows if you wanna meet new ppl and get shittyass drunk all night you go there and next thing you know you gotta crowd of ppl wanting to do the same. As long as the cops dont kick u off a bunch of times its a great night.

So way later into the evening AWOL and I went into shoppers drug mart to steal fucking burrotos(?!) and when came out this lil silver car Imeditlly stops in front of us the driver dude was way hot so we discided to jump in...

So were in the car and we realise this dude is a crazy mother fucking just out fucking joyriding in this hot lil sportscar that was probably stolen, seeing as he didnt care what happened to the car. he smashed into anougher car and quickly drove away. we were all over the city while he drove around erratticly, spinning in circles and making tight turns and shit. he stoped a few times to smash in the windows of parked cars. and he kept saying how him and his brother just got outta jail for the same thing, and how we have no idea "who he is, & the people he knows.." blah blah blah... he tells me how hot i am and starts trying to kiss me- me being drunk & him being really fucking sexy started to kiss and he starts biting my toung to the point where it was hurting. so he takes us to his place somewhere in the Maples but his mom caught us sneaking in and kicked us out. I get into the car and AWOL starts to get in but she wasnt compleatly in the car when he started to drive away and somehow drove over her leg! i jump out he the dude drove off!!
My friend is doing okay and her ankle isnt broken, lucky us.
why are the really sexy dudes either compleate assholes or fucking out of their minds? god i love bad bad bad boyz, I should really advoid them but theyre always (litterally) driven to me.

(2 Suicides | Kill Me)

Friday, April 4th, 2008
10:47 pm
Happy Birthday Adam, anougher year we miss you.

(Kill Me)

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
12:04 pm
i just fell in love with AntiSchism

(Kill Me)

Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
12:54 pm - the Extra Special breakfest
God am I ever Restless. I want the snow to melt. I want at lease 1 truly good road dog. I want her to come back. I miss the way it feels to be content.
Ketamine is a great reminder of what it was like to enjoy everything.
last week I met this pharmaceutical dude who let me and a couple of my friends trip out at his pad. he hooked it up with K and Ecstasy. the e didn’t really do much for me. but the ketamine kept looping my mind into thinking I was still in the Queen street squat of Toronto or wasted in Vancouver.
Id close my eyes and see the sun.
"Hey girly, you look tired..why don’t u come and lay down over here"
-Those little annoying side effects-
its the pharmaceutical dude, trying to grab my attention. I look at him as he stands up with his bits and pieces hanging outta his ripped up jeans. "what? your not tired, thirsty or horny?" he says surprisingly "you should taste my juice" I want to laugh hysterically at him and his greasy sex den. I look around at the mirrors, lights&music, his funky texturized bed with the many throw pillows. I imagine how many times a week he does this... looking at hannah feeding into him. I cant help but feel like shes in one of those "be Un-Drunk" Ad Campaigns where the poor defenseless teenage girl wakes up in the bed of some strangers place crying her eyes out. Shes lucky I didn’t just let her get molested.

I lost my job again after only a week. I need another job.
Squeegeeing in -40 plus some weather freezes ppl's windshields. im usually high on morphine, oxy's or drunk outta my face so the cold doesnt bother me. I guess it makes me look more hardcore than I actually am cuz I still get paid.

oh Winterpeg
seems to me that I’ve been abusing my new guy. a junkie of 10 years and I wont even sleep with him. I guess I sorta just refused. I just don’t want to be with anyone, cept for my right hand. He sayz hes a "nice guy" and that he can "wait". does that mean he thinks of me when he jerks off?

Sami sayz to me guys will dump girls if they don’t put out and I somewhat believe it. I guess its probably wrong to test potential boyfriends but I couldn’t believe how he openly flirted with my friends right in front of me after only 3 days of "dating" each other. I left him in the bathroom. I Consciously walked out.

and I say, good day to you -go fuck yerself.

(2 Suicides | Kill Me)

Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
12:39 pm - WPG
yup back in wpg, havnt updated in a while. got a new job. waiting on a new place.
waiting for the winter to be over with. hopefully Aimee will actually come back to canada this year. god i miss frieghttrains already.
Cops are being dicks like always. on newyears right at midnight i got jacked up by the cops, took 2 cans of beer & my squeegee. like it makes a deifferance.
im so glad theyre not like, solving real crimes.
mike- if ur ever reading my journal i hope ur doing good. :)

(2 Suicides | Kill Me)

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